A "dasha" is a cycle of planetary movements in the Indian Jyotisha system of astrology, which in the context of Dasha the porn star brings to mind all sorts of jokes about mooning and Venus and so on - but let's not, since it's not a good idea to tick off the Hindus; there's, like, a billion of them. Righto then, Dasha - another one I've never even heard of, let alone seen in action. SOTA needs to get back to making these figures, so they can feature some performers who've been in good movies (which, by and large, have only started occurring in the past few years); you can't tell me a Pirates II toyline wouldn't sell like hotcakes, and then I could write authoritative reviews and all.
Still, the internet to the rescue, as always - by which I mean Wikipedia, since downloading movies takes bloody ages, and I don't know any good torrent sites for anything besides comics anyway (suggestions welcome). Is it illegal to suggest downloading stuff? In that case, I'm totally joking. Anyway, Dasha was born in Czechoslovakia back when it existed (I knew a scorching hot Czech girl at school - not the same one, obviously), and was a synchronized swimmer and dancer - the contest kind, not the kind that shimmies up and down a pole while her costume falls off - before trying her hand at getting busy for the cameras. Well let's face it, there's not much else to do with synchronised swimming but perv at the ladies, so it's a natural move. Oh, and she's got a penchant for female ejaculation - I love Wikipedia's coy use of "penchant," it makes it sound like something you'd do at dinner parties to
break the ice. Maybe she does.
These figures don't do action features (you know, like Kobra Khan, only other end), so Dasha'll just have to get by on her looks today, and that's not going to be a problem for her. She stands an imposing 7½" tall (well, pretty standard for Plastic Fantasy, but imposing against most other action figures these days), head up, back arched, hand on outthrust hip, left leg ramrod straight, right angled out in a "Check out my thigh, hot huh?" pose. Yes ma'am, it's not bad at that. Actually her current Wiki photo shows a rather toned stomach, which she's sadly lacking here - either the laser scanning missed it, or she did a lot of crunches between 2001 (I think that's when these were made, roughly) and 2003. Her skin tone is a shade paler than what seems to be the norm for this line, and she isn't sporting any tattoos - not anywhere visible anyway, and let's face it, by the end of the review we'll have covered pretty much everywhere except her ankles.
Her role is some kind of fantasy sorceress - an evil sorceress thanks to paint quirks, but we'll get to that later; suffice it to say that she and Briana Banks between them have the makings
of an eye-catching remake of Conan the Barbarian. Well, maybe Dasha wouldn't be up to James Earl Jones's standard, but c'mon, you'd watch it anyway. Her costume is made entirely from gold and copper - okay, plastic, but painted to look like it - with the boots (with wing motifs vaguely reminiscent of She-Ra - there's a pleasant thought), armband, and bracelet all sculpted onto her body. The sculpt of the wrought metal is a bit softer than you'd expect from, say, McFarlane (on a good day), but on the other hand that makes it fit in with the soft plastic bra and thong, and with good paintwork on both, the outfit makes for an impressive look. She's got one of those "Vivid" necklaces as well - it doesn't really work with the bikini neck straps, so after photo time I ditched it.
It's the face that tips her from "sorceress" to "evil sorceress" - the prototype photos on the packaging show her with a more conventional (and morally neutral) eye shadow, but on the final figure, the pink makeup is mainly applied
beneath her eyes. She's also got very dark eyes - the corneas are almost all black (her eyes are a mid-to-dark green in reality) - and those, with the red rims set against her pale skin, gives her that slightly-sickly-yet-still-sexy look you tend to get on evil sorceresses, so unless it's going to be one of those buddy-cop-movie stories, where they have to team up despite being diametrically opposed in methods, I reckon her and Briana are just natural enemies. Briana'd have her, by the way - roughly the same figure, but regardless of what should happen, simple barbarian courage beats theoretically-mighty sorcery every time. Oh, and allowing for the makeup and so on, the figure does look pretty accurate for Dasha, so far as I'm any judge.
Possibly having used her dark magic to augment herself, she's sporting Plastic Fantasy's elite level of articulation, adding bicep swivels to the usual balljoint neck and swivel/pin shoulders. The right arm swivel is at the armband, but it's not just a cut at the bottom - the bicep fits into the hollow top of the bracelet, with the joint invisible inside it. It's a bit tough to turn as a consequence, but nothing that poses any real problem. Thanks to the swivel that arm can be lowered if you want, leaving her fingertips trailing along the top of her thigh; the left arm though, regardless of its joints, is hand-on-hip whether you like it or not.
Besides her sexy self and Hyborian bikini, Dasha also has an accessory to play with, a crystal ball. It's a simple sphere of clean aqua blue plastic - mine has an oval bubble in the middle, which may or may not be intentional, but it
does give it a bit of visual pizzazz if you line it up right. It fits neatly into her right hand - I've never had it fall out when she's had her arm at any rational angle - and, apropos of nothing, is a perfect fit for a Bionicle Midak skyblaster. Coincidence, or are Bionicles actually biomechanical porn stars? Does Optimus Prime have a secret stash of Gali/Hahli videos [Would that be "water sports?" --ed.] he keeps hidden from Elita? Alright, probably not. But Rule 34 holds true, there is Bionicle porn out there (didn't even need Rule 36, it was already there waiting).
Where were we? Oh right, human porn - and the part of these reviews
you all skip right down to (don't try to deny it), when the clothes come off. As usual the arms and head pop off easily at the joints, leaving the bikini top to just slide off; the thong is trickier, since it has to go down over her legs, and the shins are a fair distance apart, which can put a bit of strain on the narrow straps. It's not instant-break territory, but I'd recommend deciding fairly quick whether you want her modestly almost-naked or baring herself for all the world to see, and not undressing and re-dressing her too much, or the thong will loosen at the very least.
Down to her birthday suit, she's rather sparse on detail - the large boots, the sculpted jewellery remaining on her arms, and her pale skin makes her torso stand out, even besides the fact that it's naked. She's got the usual faint fade-in to pink nipples - basically accurate, for once - but down below she's gone the full Brazilian, without even what Jesse Jane calls the "I'm-over-eighteen strip". Her vagina is quite small - and looks even more so with all this featureless bare skin around it - but that's not entirely inaccurate by the looks of what I Googled up, at least when she's not in mid-performance.
She has the usual Plastic Fantasy base to stand on - she's
quite stable on her own, thanks to the blocky soles and heels on her boots - and since she's from the "Vivid Girls" series, she gets a cardboard backing, which is the same glitzy stars-and-moonbeams thing Briana had, and it doesn't suit Dasha's fantasy role either. The base has two pegs, and the one for her right foot is larger than the left.
You won't be surprised to learn that she's my favourite from this current set of porn stars I've got - granted her bikini is pretty silly, but so's the wardrobe of any sorceress who's given some thought to eye candy, so Dasha's in good and extensive company there. I will say I'm really tempted to see if I can find a suitable cloak for her to wear - that'd be perfect - but even as she is, she looks great, and will doubtless put up a credible fight against Briana the Barbarian when the time comes for their big showdown.
-- 01/03/10
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