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"Cooking with Shocka"

pt. 1

Shocka stands in a cluttered kitchen, looking at the viewer. "G'day, and welcome to Cooking with Shocka. I'm your host--" He stops and looks at a notecard in his hand. "--Shocka. If you were tuning in expecting to see our regularly scheduled Shocka's Book Club, it's been cancelled. It was discovered that I, like all Australians, cannot read." Shocka looks down sadly, a single tear rolling from his eye. Then he throws his hands up in joy and with a big smile on his face says "Just kidding! Of course I can read! It's New Zealanders who can't." Page 2: Shocka now stands in front of the stove. "Today we'll be making a right healthy breakfast. I started the oven preheating before I went to bed last night." He holds up a bowl and spoon. "We'll be making cereal with milk, so the first thing you'll need is a bowl." Cut to Poe Ghostal, acting as the stage manager for this television show, standing off-camera and checking a clipboard. "Wait, cereal," Poe asks. "Then why did preheat the oven?" Shocka opens the oven door, turning his head away and squinting as the sudden heat wave rolls over him. The heat is intense enough to distort everything viewed through it and it makes a roaring sound like a large fire. As he continues to talk, the heat distortion slowly evaporates. "Whew! Because there's nothing like taking a hot blast first thing in the morning! Am I right, ladies?" Rustin Parr leans in from the side of the frame and exclaims "I'll say!" Shocka shuts him down with a quick "Quiet, you!" shoving him back off-screen. Page 3: Shocka opens a cabinet, turning his back to the camera and revealing an ornate back tattoo, with lots of small, illegible text. "First step, you pour your cereal into the bowl--" The cabinet is empty. He turns back to his audience. "Huh. We're out of cereal. Well. Well, cooking is all about improvisation and substitutions, so instead of cereal, we'll have..." Out of nowhere, he produces a large bag in his hand. "Chocolate chips!" Reading the ingredients on the back of the bag, he says "Chocolate comes from a plant, so this is pretty much the same as having a big plate of celery, right?" Page 4: He crosses to the fridge and looks inside. "Once you've got your cereal in the bowl, you'll want to put some milk over it." Like the cabinet, the fridge is also empty. "And we're out of milk, too. Time to get creative." He begins looking around the kitchen, turning back and forth to see what's within easy reach. "Instead of cereal, we have chocolate chips. So instead of milk, we'll have... uh..." He lifts a jar triumphantly. "Peanut butter! A big, heaping bowl of chocolate chips and peanut butter! With a spoon!" He mixes the two together in a glass bowl larger than his head, doing nothing other than stirring the chocolate chips into the peanut butter and digging in his spoon. He takes his first bite. "Like I said, a fine, healthy breakfast." Page 5: "While we eat, a quick reminder that next week, we'll be making American Cuisine. We'll go ahead and put up a list of the varied dishes we'll be making, in case you want to get your ingredienets together ahead of time." A list styled like a recipe card flashes on the screen, showing Cream Cheese Soup, Cream of Sour Cream Cheese Soup, Chocolate Cake (Chocolate Cake), Chocolate Chocolate Chocolate Cake, Chocolate Chicken Chicken Cake, Chocolate Chocolate Chocolate Chocolate Cake, Chocolate Chips, Chocolate Chips with Chocolate Chips, Chickened Chicken Cheese Chicken, Chicken Chocolate Cheese, Cream of Chocolate Cream Cheese Chicken Soup, and Cheese (Chocolate). Back in the kitchen, Shocka has finished his breakfast and reacts excitedly to the list, throwing his arms up and exclaiming "Yum! Looking forward to it!" Calmer, he continues. "That's it for this week. Enjoy your super-healthy breakfast of cereal in milk. Er, choclate chips in peanut butter. I've been Shocka. G'day, and geddout." An announcer comes on, saying "Next time on Cooking with Shocka: Shocka's milksheake brings all the boys to the yard!" In the clip shown, Shocka looks sad. "We regret to inform you that all the boys are racist."

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