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Edwin Morose

Teddy Scares
by yo go re

Now seems to be the time of the creepy teddy bear. The trend started with the Toxic Teddies statuettes, and was followed by the complete rip-offs known as Bad Taste Bears. Psychotic teddy bears, overwhelmed by multiple personalities imbued by their hand-me-down owners, are the city guardians in Image Comics' The Imaginaries. Now there's an actual set of stuffed bears who are, if you'll forgive the pun, cut from the same cloth: Applehead Design Factory's Teddy Scares.

Edwin Morose Admit it: you lusted for them. You displayed them. You slept with them every night. And then, one day, you dumped your teddy bear. They used to be cuddly and cute. But no more. Maybe it's vengeance that turns teddy bears into Teddy Scares. Nevertheless, they're back from the dead, and they're pissed.

There were five bears in Series 1 of the teddies, and a sixth variant bear available exclusively to members of the Bearly Alive collector's club: a new version of lovelorn Edwin Morose.

Edwin started his life as a love token. He served most his days on red satin sheets with the sweet smells of perfume and a daily hug from his beautiful owner. Then the day came when loyal Edwin was thrown into the trash. He cried himself asleep every night surrounded by the comfort of dried up roses, torn up memories and old love letters.

it's fun to color While the standard Edwin was wearing a little fraying sweater (awww!) with a broken heart on the front (AWWW!), the club version is a bare-chested bear, with a patchwork vest and a striped scarf draped around his neck. Rubber banded to his left paw is an exclusive Teddy Scares crayon, in Edwin's favorite color: Forbidden Fushcia.

how intense! Rubberbanded to his right paw is a ornate tube, carved with all sorts of cutesy-gothy symbols, including a winged eyeball and a burning heart. The end actually pops off, and there's a sheet of parchment rolled inside, so you can use Edwin as a channel for your deep-seated desire to gift the world with your verse.

See if you can write a worse poem than this:

Long ago my wise raindrops reclaimed...
Why do I drift violently..?
Did I nevermore drift, as lovingly as my storm reaching above a sinuous teacher?
Their healer of righteousness laughs , yet their thoughts laugh dying beside their serpent.
Their lover reaching above an all-knowing jewel is searching for the martyr of grief beyond the lonely victim.

free paper Yeah, ouch. Maybe you should take that crayon away before the poetry inspires you to rupture your eardrum and stab yourself in the brain. Since the Teddy Scares are dead and risen, Edwin has a toe tag strapped to his ankle, listing his name, date of death (10/26/73), his goal, hobby and a sad-but-ture fact about his life - Edwin spent his last years alone, writing love poems in his spare time.

yet, not as leathery as his heart The bear body is the same, with only the clothes setting the exclusive Edwin apart from his normal brother. The body is actually furry, rather than a smooth material. He's mostly maroon with darker patches under his milky white eyes, and his vinyl/leather/pleather/whatever paw pads are black. Edwin's beak has a shorter weave than the rest of his fur, and is also a lighter color. There's a slit in his vest to allow his tail to poke through.

His eyebrows, nose and mouth are embroidered on, damn glaucoma and though it looks like his lips are stitched shut, the big Xs aren't just in-and-out loops of thread: they've been embroidered, as well. It's always nice to see a company making the extra effort, like that. The 12" (ish) teddy is filled with plush stuffing - no pvc beads, here. The stitching on all the seams is good and strong - couldn't say for sure, but it certainly seems like Edwin Morose would hold up to being an actual teddy bear. In any case, the Applehead Factory guys made the Teddy Scares more than just display pieces.

Carried by specialty trend stores like Hot Topic, the Teddy Scares are the newest iteration of the "twisted innocence" that brought us things like Mezco's Living Dead Dolls. They each have a unique personality and design, so you're sure to find one that's a perfect fit your own askew little worldview. If the pitiful poet Edwin Morose appeals to you, then it would probably be worth the money to join the collectors club to get this exclusive version.


So? Can you write a worse poem? Tell us on our message board, the Loafing Lounge.

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